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Holy crap you guys, this dude Wolfy?  He’s totally not a wolf, for one thing.

“Bwurr?”

But that’s not the only part of this MIND-BLOWING FEATURE I’m penning right now.  My name is Nick Nickerson, and I am a guest writer on this “Wolfy’s Eyes” thing.  And I’m here to tell you five things you’ll never believe about the pink wolf blogger wannabe.

FACT 1: HE HATES SHORTS

It’s a well-known fact that shorts increase male sexiness by 25%, but Wolfy?  He doesn’t care one whit about that sort of thing.  He actually thinks shorts make him look stupid owing to his feeling about body hair.  Yeah, that’s right America (and the UK and Canada and Germany and even someone over in Indonesia why do you read this blog?), he hates body hair.  Which means he hates women with body hair.  Which means he hates women.

Which leads me to my next MIND-BLOWING fact….

FACT 2: HE HATES WOMEN

That’s right, it is long-rumored that Wolfy hates women.  There’s even word that he hates women so much he’d rather be with a guy–

…wait….oh, he’s confirmed gay?  What??

FACT 3: HE’S GAY

I’mma just drop the mic here, except I’M NOT BECAUSE I’M A WATER BALLOON FILLED WITH TRUTH-WATER AND I’M ABOUT TO BURST WITH MORE KNOWLEDGE!

Got two more bombs to let loose–you guys ready?

FACT 4: HE’S AN AMAZING CHEF

Wolfy has been known to cook a variety of delicious dishes for family, friends and co-workers because he feels like it’s his best way to show affection.  I don’t know if he’s a horrible kisser then, because I haven’t spoken to his husband, but it seems really weird to me that someone would express love with food.

Chicken and waffle bites, Wolfy? DOES THAT LOOK LIKE LOVE TO ANYONE ELSE?!

FACT 5: HE IS AN UNINSPIRED WRITER

I have it on good authority that, when Wolfy has no ideas, he goes to forums to pull ideas from them and then comes up with some idiotic way to spin it around in to something he hopes is amusing.  Like coming up with a fake writer.

I’m on to your game, Pinky Boy.

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